Rental Euphemisms

Reading the rental classifieds would make you think that every place offered is much better than the student-infested dump you’re looking to move out of. Alas, it just ain’t so! Like all other advertising, the classifieds (and this includes such things as Craigslist) are crawling with euphemisms: soft words chosen by landlords to ease the pain you’ll inevitably experience when you realize that they’re charging more to rent you an outhouse than you’d pay for a McMansion mortgage in the Midwest.

I therefore present this list of Rental Euphemisms:

Adorable

It’s a dump.

Basement

You’ll have a swimming pool every time it rains.

Beautiful

For twice my brother’s mortgage, it’d better be.

Bonus room

A room with such a poor layout that no one’s sure what to do with it.

Carport

A garage that’s missing its front door.

Charming

It’s a dump.

Close to downtown

Your neighbors will be back from the bars at 2am.

Condo

All the disadvantages of apartment living with all the disadvantages of home ownership.

Convenient location

You’ll get used to the traffic noise.

Country setting

Welcome to the boondocks. Bring a map.

Cozy

It’s small. Very small. And you’ll hear the neighbors fucking.

Cute

It’s a dump.

Den

A garage you can no longer use, because some knucklehead put down carpeting.

Deposit

The landlord’s bonus.

Diamond in the rough

It’s a dump.

Executive home

You can’t afford the rent.

Family friendly

You’ll hear the neighbor’s kid screaming at 3:30am.

Furnished

The landlord can’t bring himself to throw out all his crap.

Granny unit

The landlords will be next door, and they’ll get annoyed if you try to use the yard.

Handyman’s special

It’s a dump. Bring your tools.

Home

The landlord is afraid to use a more descriptive word such as apartment, flat, studio, or outhouse.

It’s a steal!

It’s a dump, and you’re still going to pay too much for it.

Laid back roommates

Get used to parties, unwashed dishes, and an inch of soap scum in the shower.

Lease

Hope you like the place, since you won’t be moving out for a while.

Market correction

Housing prices are falling, but your rent isn’t.

Mature applicants preferred

If you’re under 25, forget it.

New floors

The previous tenants trashed the floors, but you’re paying the bill.

Nice

It’s a dump with a “nice personality”.

No-party policy

Your neighbors have the cops on speed dial.

Older home

It’s a dump. You won’t be able to fit a bed in the bedroom. During the Civil War, a cannonball crashed through the parlor.

Perfect for a couple

The bathroom is only accessible through a bedroom.

Pets negotiable

Previous tenant’s dog has already pissed on the rugs.

Shelving

A previous tenant bolted wood planks to the walls.

24 hour notice

You aren’t allowed to shoot home invaders tomorrow.

Utilities included

But they aren’t free! This cost is built into your rent.

Victorian

A beautiful, charming, older home with new floors, perfect for a couple. It’s a steal!

Walking distance to the local college

Party central.

Washer/Dryer included

They were purchased during the Carter administration.

Will consider students

Previous tenants have already trashed the place.

Won’t last long!

It’s a dump, but there’s plenty of suckers out there.

Also, these notes on layout:

Bedroom to bathroom ratio

If the bedroom to bathroom ratio is greater than 2 (for example, a 3br/1ba has a ratio of 3), then the house is at least 50 years old.

Charming or Cute

In addition to being a dump, the house has an odd-ball layout.

Half bedroom (or ¹/₂ bedroom)

A storage room that someone once threw a bed in.

Quarter bathroom (or ¹/₄ bath)

Someone stuck a toilet, but no sink, in one of the closets.

Happy house hunting!

Tags: advertising, euphemism, gripe, rent